8 Weeks - Already
There is no way it has already been 8 weeks since Phil passed away. I feel like it happened yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like an eternity. I feel like I am stuck in some weird space time continuum where everything just continues to move around me yet I am stagnant in time. I don't understand how I cannot just take that one step forward to break free. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else, but there is no other way to explain it.
The things I do each day feel like I am just doing them out of habit and I'm on some sort of auto-pilot mode. Mentally, I my mind is constantly being flooded with memories, plans we had that won't happen, what I still have to do to close out his life, worries for the kids and grandkids, and who in the hell am I anyway?
As I mentioned before, I am in a couple of young widows groups on Facebook. I've actually group-hopped some, trying to find one that seemed to fit. I didn't think that was even really a thing, but it seems to be there are different types of grieving spouses.
In one group, they are younger than me, still with young kids. Some of them are seriously struggling since they were staying home with the kids when their husband passed. The same pain I am feeling right now they have, but at the same time, they have to raise children and figure out where the money for their next electric bill is, or if they will have enough money to pay the babysitter to go to their second job to pay the bills and never see their children, all while grieving. There are people a LOT worse off than I am.
I was also in a widow/widower group. I didn't stay long because the vibe seemed different. Some of the posts were just for humor but it also seemed more reserved. More women than men commented on most posts, which made me wonder if there was a significantly higher number of widows to widowers, or if men just don't comment as much.
The most recent group I checked out was just for women. It didn't specify young or old, but it was only women. It seemed for this one, the age group was mostly older women or who have been married long-term. There were still younger women in the group, but the conversation seemed to go more toward mortgages, adult children, etc. One woman posted that she was leaving the group because there was "too much sorrow." This offended quite a few widows, myself included. The gist of responses to her post were, "What the hell did you expect? Our husbands are dead. How would there not be sorrow?"
I even posted my own comeback, but I a little while later, I realized I shouldn't have.
Another post made me realize she was right. I read through the comments and all I saw were women who were just miserable.
I've spent the last 8 weeks in a constant state of thinking of things that I never would have considered before he passed. My future alone is the main thing. I do not want to be miserable. I don't want to spend years and years of my life trapped in the moment in time that turned my world upside-down.
With Phil, it was never a dull moment between us, whether good or bad. Even the quiet moments were filled with our silent conversations. It was an amazing and crazy almost 21 years, and I will never forget any of it.
He and I were happy. We were in love. We were excited about being "empty nesters," getting to live out our days just being together.
Obviously, that isn't happening now. In the past 8 weeks, I have realized I want to be happy. I want to move forward. I want to live and do things we wanted to do, but take him with me in spirit. I want to be there to spoil our grandchildren and our future grandchildren.
I want to be happy. He would want me to be happy.
Figuring out what I need to do to take that important step out of the space time continuum is taking a little time, but I think getting to the realization of what I need to do to move forward is pretty major, I'm not even sure what changed or when, but I feel like maybe there is a new day on the horizon...