81 Days...Back to Square One
For about the past two weeks, I have felt myself slowly sinking down again. I thought I was doing really well, getting past the roughest times, but then, little things began to build up on each other - memories, running into old friends/acquaintances, going back to the bowling alley on his league night, Valentine's Day, and on and on. Everything has brought an entirely new wave of grief just drowning me.
Today, I was mad. I got so mad at him for driving that night that I called him a few colorful names while yelling at him (I try to censor myself a bit for whoever might be reading this). I am mad that the kids will be missing out on so much of him: Weddings, graduations, births, new jobs...they are all just now adults out on their own! He didn't even get to see them live. He won't be there to see these amazing people we knew as little kids grow into successful adults. He won't see the grandkids grow up. They won't even remember much about him.
And me. I am mad that he isn't here to live out the rest of our future together. I am mad I have to do it alone. I am mad that I have to go to sleep and wake up alone every day. I am mad that he is the only person in this world who can make my hurt go away, and he is dead.
Mostly, I am mad that I miss him so much I can't even think straight and I have no idea what to do to make it better. I thought I had the answers, but now I feel like I have not only taken a step backwards, but I am right back to that first night.
Maybe it's just a bad night. Maybe tomorrow, I will wake up and feel better again and realize that today was just a little sidestep rather than an entire downward spiral.
I don't know yet, but what I do know is I will crawl into bed, hug your pillow tight, lay your picture down on your side of the bed, and hope for a dream with you. Still your girl...