I never thought I would be a widow at 46 years old. Who would? I wanted to grow old with Phil, but obviously, that was not to be. I had love that people only dream about, and damn, do I miss him!
I'm really starting to wonder what my future will look like. Will I ever want to date anyone? Probably. Going out to dinner or a movie, sure. A friend with benefits? Heck yes. I can see that happening - No commitment, no plans to move in together, no plans to get married. Just a couple of people hanging out, talking, and occasionally, "getting it on." Sorry, Mom, but I am human.
I've read about "sexual bereavement," when the surviving spouse literally grieves the loss of their sex life. I'm almost 2 months in, and I won't lie. It is on my mind. A LOT. I've talked to some of my young widow friends about it, and we all agree it is about as confusing as anything. You miss your spouse and have no interest in looking for love, but on the other hand, you miss the physical intimacy that your partner cannot give you anymore.
This may be an uncomfortable topic for some, but the fact is, when he first died, this aspect of my new life never even crossed my mind until about 2-1/2 weeks in. It suddenly hit me: I'll never have sex with him again.
I know I did a post on this before so it is obviously still on my mind. This is one of the things with which I am struggling, trying to figure out when, what, and how. I mean, we were totally committed to each other for more than 2 decades! I just can't imagine...
...but yet, I do. He's not here.
I'm not looking for love. I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking to live with anyone.
But I might be in the market one day for a FWB...