Day 17 - December 23, 2019
Today marks Day 17 in the After. I am still here in Southern California, visiting with family and friends and trying to manage to function on some level of normalcy. I know no one expects too much of me, and I appreciate that. But I think I'm expecting too much of myself.
I keep wondering if I am still in shock or if I am keeping myself on a level of survival mode that essentially masks the reality of what is really happening. It may also be that since I am here, away from our home, that I just haven't had to actually face the reality of going home to an empty house and waiting for the door to open each day, seeing him dragging himself in after working outside all day in cold weather, tired from walking and pounding in rebar to set property corners.
That's probably it. I kept telling myself that I wasn't running away when I took this road trip, and I don't think that was totally it because I really did need this time to pull myself together. But now that I look at the big picture, I'm fairly certain I just wasn't ready to deal with life without him.
I don't know that I ever will be.