Day 36, January 11, 2020
Today is my first Saturday in the house alone since he died.
If he were here, we would be sitting on our double recliner, probably cuddled up under our comforter, watching movies and eating whatever snacks we can find, and more than likely taking a nap. We would be doing this because it is snowing outside and it is much cozier to just hang out together inside.
Instead, I got up, sat in my side of the recliner by myself, realized I had - again - forgotten to take my medicine, so I got up and got a bowl of cereal, and sat back down on my side of the recliner to eat. I kept looking at his picture in front of me because I make sure it is where ever he can see me (or maybe the other way around). I know that if he were here, we would be having "a couple eggs" for breakfast, maybe some bacon or sausage, a slice or two of toast, and our morning coffee. Chances are, we would not have gotten out of bed before 10 o'clock because there was no reason to. We'd just cuddle as long as possible until the dog drove us nuts or we got hungry.
Instead, I'm eating Raisin Bran.
Instead of watching movies or some sporting event, I read. Tonight, maybe I'll actually push "play" on our two or three unwatched episodes of "The Blacklist," but probably not because I haven't been able to so far, why now?
I managed not to cry all day yesterday, but when I thought about that, I didn't understand why. The smallest thing makes me cry so not crying was definitely strange. I looked at his picture this morning and talked to him about it, hoping that by some miracle, he might answer me back for once. In my head, I can hear his responses.
"You didn't cry one day, and that's a problem?" "Really, Debi? Really? I'd say that is a win!"
Or better yet, he'll just appear out of nowhere and give me the big huge bear hug I've been needing from him since he died. He's the only person in this world that can help me through this pain, and he's not here.
I do still feel him around me, and I know he's trying to take care of me in only the ways he can. If that wasn't the case, I am not sure if I would havc gotten out of bed at all.