Day 43 - Unexpected Triggers
The good days are getting more frequent, and the crying is getting less. I miss him as much as I ever did, but I think I'm learning to live with the void that is my husband.
However, once in awhile, when I'm least expecting it, one small thing can take me back to moments with him and a wave of sadness comes over me, surrounding me, overtaking me no matter where I am, no matter who I am with, and I cannot stop it.
Next to me on my flight tonight was a couple a few years older than me, and I could see the comparison between them and Phil and me. They were two totally separate people, yet their invisible bond was very present. When the flight began to take off, he took her hand and they just sat there, holding hands and taking comfort in each other's presence.
Phil would do that every time we flew together. He would hold my hand at takeoff because he knew I was always just a little on edge, and that gesture was enough to ease my mind because I knew no matter what happened, we would still be together.
Seeing the couple next to me holding hands made me ache. It brought the tears to my eyes even though I tried so hard to fight them since I was on a plane with a hundred total strangers. I didnt want them to see me break down. I didnt want strangers asking me if I was okay or what was wrong. I quietly turned my face toward the window and cried as quietly as I could, wiped my eyes as inconspicuously as possible and kept the sniffs to a minimum.
I know I shouldn't worry about anyone seeing me cry, but I do. I know there are a lot of people who cannot handle others having breakdowns and i did not want to cause any issues on the flight.
When I thought I had it under control, I got out my headphones and spent the rest of the flight watching the Netflix movies I downloaded. I didnt talk to the flight attendants or the couple next to me. I kept to myself, not even looking up.
I'm not sure if I handled that the way I should have, but it was a totally new situation of which I had no experience. My life these days is a constant game of "winging it."
I still keep wondering what the final Debi result will look like when I feel human again. Will I even recognize the person I am, or will I be the same person but always with that lingering sadness trailing behind? Will I stay alone? Will I ever want to date again? Or will this ever end?
Is this how it is always going to be?