While I love writing, I am not particularly fond of the schedule my brain likes to keep. I was literally crawling into bed when I the inspiration for this blog struck. So, here I am, instead of sleeping.
There was so much that happened in the time Phil and I were together. More than two decades is really a long time, at least by today's standards. It seems like more relationships end than stay together, and although I know a lot of long-term couples, I also know a lot who just don't manage to stay with anyone for more than a few years at a time. Or, just prefer to be alone. Period. Which is just fine, too.
A lot of it was good, but there is no way in hell I can say all of it was good. Yes, he was my best friend. Yes, he was my lover. Yes, he was my "person." He knew every little detail about every piece and part of me, inside and out. And I knew the same of him.
There were parts of him I did not like, and I am sure he would say the same about me. I mean, when I described the relationship to people, sometimes, I would say, "He's my best friend and I couldn't love him any more, but we get fight like brother and sister."
Having grown up with a slew of brothers and sisters, it was a vicious battlefield at home. How we all survived, I have no idea. How our parents survived at work knowing we were at home trying to kill each other, I'll never know.
That is kind of how Phil and I were. I really think he did about everything he could to annoy me, or just flat out piss me off. And those who truly know me know that I have a lot of patience until I don't. Then, just step away. Just. Walk. Away.
How does fishing fit in with this? For the entirety of our marriage, I wanted to learn to fish. I wanted to do the whole thing - drive a boat, cast, about lures, hooks, all of it! I never scaled, cleaned or filleted a fish before, and I wanted him to teach me. He took me on the banks a couple of times and to the pond on the property when the water was higher, but other than that, he just never did.
Then, he started jug fishing with his friend, Jeff. What is jug fishing? He would explain it to me, and I'd ask over and over to go with him, but he would never take me. Jeff took guests, and Phil took the kids and their significant others, and maybe a few other guests.
But he never took me.
It was the same with hunting. I have processed a deer carcass right on my kitchen table without flinching and cooked and eaten the meat from that same deer, but never have I been hunting myself.
I asked, but he never took me. I didn't know anyone else well enough to ask, so I just never went.
So yes, there were things that I didn't like, and this is all part of what I continue to process on a daily basis without him here. It is such a weird and different life now, and I believe I have grown even a little fond of living by myself right now. It is a new experience, just as many of the things I have been doing lately are. After all, my new motto is, "Eff it, I'm in."
Now, instead of asking him to take me fishing, I think I'll just go ahead and take myself.