March 2020 - The month none of us will ever forget
Right now, most of us IN THE WORLD are in some state of quarantine related to COVID-19 (aka coronavirus). This has been a pandemic of epic proportions, unlike anything we have seen in our lifetimes. The reason isn't because we haven't seen terrible viruses before. It is because so much is just shut down. The world has shut down.
I have wondered several times what Phil would think of all this. Not going to lie. He would probably be thrilled to be stuck in the house for an indefinite period with just me! I mean, no kids, no grandkids, no visitors, no interruptions...what do you think will go through his head? I guess I wouldn't complain either....
But instead, it's just me. And I'm okay with that. In fact, this past few weeks have been some of the best of my life. I am on the other side of grieving Phil. I have no other way to explain it, but I'll try.
The moment he died, time stopped for me. I was stuck in a moment that literally shattered my entire world. Before I met Phil, for the entirety of my life, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I never felt at home anywhere I went. I was an outsider. When I met Phil, all the pieces fell into place and I was finally whole. As soon as we were together, there wasn't anything that was going to tear us apart, no matter how hard it tried. And it tried!
When he died, I was blinded. Everything that ever gave me comfort and peace since he came into my life was gone. I didn't understand how to live. I couldn't function as a separate person for awhile. I pushed everyone away, out of my home, to make sure that I could learn. I had not choice but to face it head on and figure out how to be one person. The more distractions I had, the harder it was. I needed to just escape into the world of me and the spirit of my dead husband.
During that time, we had many conversations. Mostly me yelling at him for dying and leaving me and the kids alone. A lot of the time, I could feel him near me, comforting me and sometimes whispering to me that it will be okay. His presence was comforting and helped me to heal. It helped me to know that he was nearby in my most desperate time.
Then, the night of the balloon incident happened, and everything changed. When I woke the next day, it was as if I had stepped over some invisible threshold into a world that I never knew existed. It was the same one that I had always been in, except, for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged...
I still miss him. I still have moments where I cry. I still remember what it was like to be loved by him. I still remember what his kiss felt like. And what being his best friend was like.
But now, instead of wondering if I'll ever feel right again, I am excited to see what my future holds. I know that he still hangs out with me, but he is quieter than he was. I know he's happy to see me happy.