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May 5, 2020 - What would be our 19th anniversary

This is the day I have been dreading since he died. I knew it would be hard, and I was right. In fact, I was crying before midnight last night because I knew all my Facebook memories since 2009 would have some mention of our anniversary. I decided to just get it over with, hold his picture and read all the memories out loud. It was excruciating.


Tomorrow marks 5 months since he died, and I have been doing so well that crying days are very few and far between. I even thought that maybe, just maybe, I could get by without crying today. How wrong I was. I thought maybe the crying while reading the memories was all it would be. Nope. I was crying while working. I hate this day! I hate thinking that I am here, while he is not, on the day that was just ours.


I made it through my birthday. I made it through Christmas and New Year's Eve. I made it through Valentine's Day and voting by myself for the first time since I moved here with him back in 1999. None of those events were easy, but I made it. I just knew, though, that today would be harder.


Today, I will be spending time with friends to try and keep my mind busy. I wish I could go now, but I have some work to do and just cannot get away yet. My head hurts. My heart hurts. My soul hurts. I understand I cannot have him here, as I have accepted everything fully. But this particular day is hard. It was the one day we had every year that we marked as ours. It wasn't that we went crazy with spending or going overboard with presents, but we did make sure that we acknowledged it in some way, making sure the other felt special and loved.


Despite all of this today, I have opened my heart for the possibility of love again. I can look back at my time with Phil and smile knowing that what we had was something so special and hard to find that I can only dream of having it again. I just need to get through this day...






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