Maybe I'm just a little messed up
Being in this new relationship is quite interesting. The two men are so very different, yet the one thing they both have/had in common was loving me for exactly who I am. I can be a lot to handle at time, I'm sure, because well, I'm quite untraditional in some ways.
However, that didn't stop me from being a bit jaded and bringing some of my past issues in and worrying about everything. I even "broke up" with him for a week because of it. I say "broke up," but it was more like we were still together without being official. I'm not sure he was totally on board with it, but he really didn't have a choice. I have to give him credit for allowing me to figure it out in my tangled mess of a brain.
Part of it wasn't just past issues, though. For me, it was more than that.
When I was committing myself to another person, I was scared that I would go through the same bullshit again, go through loss again, the pain again. I thought that if I didn't fully commit, it would be easier to lose someone. But in reality, it would be just as hard.
I am truly in love with J. He's quirky, goofy, and we are like two peas in a pod in so many ways. I have a lot more in common with him than I did with Phil, but when it comes to being with my best friend (as I was with Phil), I am. J and I get along so well it's crazy. We say the same off-the-wall things at the same time, we laugh a lot, and we just have fun hanging out. And he's really good to me.
It isn't really fair to him for me to be like this, but damn! I lost the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with out of nowhere! I guess I can't expect it is going to be easy. Relationships are hard work, and adding in a death, it just can't go as swimmingly as one would hope.
The gist of it is I have to live in the present. Not the past or the future, but today. I have to enjoy the time I have with the ones I love without fear. That is so much easier said than done, but I'm trying.
As for the year anniversary coming up, I have had a lot of anxiety over it. I don't know what to expect because I've never been through it. I imagine I'll wake up, look at the clock and remember every moment of every second of that day, going over in my head when this and that happened, and I'm terrified I'm going to be a blubbering idiot all day. Yes, I know that is fine and no one should expect anything different from me since it is only a year, but I don't have many bad days anymore. I laugh at our silly memories, I talk with J about life with Phil, and I get nostalgic. I do miss him terribly. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. How could I not miss him?
But today, I am happy. I am with a man I love who loves me for exactly the goofball I am. He has been so caring and understanding when it comes to Phil, and knows that this coming Sunday might just be a doozy. But he is there for me, to hold me if I need it, and let me cry on his shoulder.
What more can I ask for?