Might as well get a little personal...
I haven't exactly kept many subjects taboo here, and I am not going to stop now. Might as well get it all out in the open.
Today was the first "exam" since Phil died. We women know what this means. We get it once a year and it is always on the top of our list of fun things to do in our lifetime. NOT! No one looks forward to it. And if you do, I have no idea what to even say to you.
I have been "seeing" the same person since I moved to Missouri, with a few exceptions here and there. So, for almost 21 years, this lady knows me VERY well.
As it goes, I'm stripped down, waiting on the exam table with the cute little gown open in the front (this is typical for this type of exam, guys), and a paper sheet covering my bottom half. I'm waiting for her to come in when the effing tears start flowing!
I am literally waiting for the nurse practitioner to check on the girls and hooha situation and I'm crying. I realized that the last time I was there, I was getting birth control. (Yes, I am 47 and I still need birth control!) The last time I was there, I had a husband who was alive and well, and we had an active sex life, and now both are gone. The husband and the sex life.
I'm really not sure what I was crying about. Maybe just the fact that it was such a huge change all around? That I suddenly felt completely alone in the world for that moment? That I had to decide whether or not I wanted birth control again?
I did choose to get it again, but...
...I made the decision a month or so ago to just chill and wait for it...the right time, the right person, the right everything. I don't want to get caught up in a mess of emotional baggage that I have yet to unpack with regards to Phil. There was no one but him for 23 years. NO ONE. He and I were 100% faithful in every way. And for two years prior to him, I chose to remain celibate and wait for the right person, and I may just go ahead and do the same thing now.
I know I am an adult and can handle it all, but that isn't the point. And I know that we, as humans, should be able to just do what we want, when we want, but having been involved in such a loving, passionate relationship with Phil, it just seems like it would be a waste of time to go out and just play the field again. Been there, done that in my late teens, early 20's, and it was just a time of emptiness.
I don't want emptiness. I want it to mean something to both of us and not something to just throw around for the next person. I want it to be special, like it was with Phil. Where it was more than just a physical act but one of passion and intimacy.
Don't get me wrong. I am not bashing anyone who chooses to have a free and wild sex life. You do you (and whoever else you so choose)! For me, though, I just think it's better I know what I'm getting myself into before I venture out a step further.
And although I feel like I could, it just isn't quite time. I'll know when the time is right, just like I did with Phil. It was so worth it!