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  • Debi Nasalroad

Monday, 38 days

This is just bullshit! I am so mad that I am even in this situation that I can't even think straight half the time. Our lives were so intertwined that nearly every little thing we did together is now on my own. These are all things I can do, but he did them - taking out the trash, changing light bulbs, calling for a plumber, getting my car serviced, etc. I know how; he just wanted to do them.


I went to the mailbox in the snow yesterday to get Saturday's mail and slipped, causing some major surface damage to my right knee. If he was here, I wouldn't have been going to the mailbox in the snow because there is no way he would want me to risk falling. He would either go himself or tell me to wait until some of it melts off. He knew me well enough to know falling was almost inevitable. And guess what? I did!


At night, instead of having the conversation with him, "Let's get to bed; it's getting late," it's just me, deciding when I'm ready for bed, We don't discuss who's going to let the dog out or who will turn off the lights and lock the door. It's all me. I put his picture on his side of the bed and cuddle with his pillow covered in one of his t-shirts (until his scent leaves that one and I'll change it).


Every morning, I would ask him what he wants for breakfast, and almost every morning he would say, "A couple eggs." I ask what he wants for dinner, and he says, "Food." We usually skipped lunch since we were often both working at home and maybe had a small snack while working. Meals together nearly every day for more than two decades is a lot of food.


I can't ask him how my outfit looks, and he was good about being honest. If it wasn't too flattering, he'd mention another shirt or pair of pants that he liked better so it didn't sound insulting. He never wanted to hurt my feelings so he always found a way to make me smile instead.


I woke up pissed today at this whole mess. It isn't fair! We were supposed to grow old together, and now I have to figure out how to live without him. Yes, I'm strong, I've survived things that a lot of others may not have, and I've come out on top, but this...this is something else.


I have no idea where to even begin.



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