Movin' on down the road...
Today is Tuesday, March 17, 2020. It has been exactly 3 months and 11 days since Phil died. Most of what I write lately has been on my personal Facebook page because I was in what I call one of my drowning phases, and I just didn't have the energy or motivation or anything to even open the website to write a blog.
I was busy with grandkids' birthday parties (two in February, two weeks apart), a visit from an out-0f-state daughter and sister, grandkids over for a weekend, a paint/wine party, and me having an overnight visit with one of Phil's best friends and his wife, as well as a few other things I can't even remember right now.
All of this kept me super busy and I didn't have much time in there to actually think about the situation. Prior to all of that, I was very down. Like, lower than I can ever imagine being. I just felt like nothing was going to bring me out of it, and I was losing hope and almost wishing...no, I won't go there.
Then, one night, a very strange and interesting thing happened that seemed to change everything. A Mylar balloon with a butterfly on it decided to defy the laws of physics and science to make a journey around my house, stopping at various things, tying the short ribbon attached around things to keep it steady then again untying itself, making its way down the hall and into his office, slowing moving by my face and then ramming into my lips, like giving me a kiss, and so much more!
I know many people who read this are thinking I am absolutely nuts, but just to make myself feel better, after the first five minutes or so of all this nonsense, I decided to video chat my sister on Facebook Messenger just to have another witness. Her husband and her both watched many of the things that I mentioned above, including the balloon tying itself on a screw that was right next to a small Mylar heart balloon that Phil and I have kept for about 10 years.
After ending the call with my sister when the balloon obviously was done for awhile since it had tied itself down, I checked back on it after awhile and it was again free, and I started recording. I have two recordings of this balloon and its crazy antics, including a couple times where it literally followed my directions of where to go.
That night, I tied the balloon up myself, securing it to a nail in the wall in my bedroom, tight enough that it would not be able to free itself too easily. The next morning when I woke up, it was still there, but I had a feeling of peace that I hadn't had since the day he died. That space-time continuum I talked about being stuck in? I was free.
That was about 2 weeks ago. Since then, things have been fairly smooth sailing. I don't feel weighted down by misery and missing him more than I breathe, but I still miss the hell out of him. I doubt that will ever go away. I expected that there would still be bad days, and yesterday was one of the worst. However, the nearly all day tears were coming from another place. It just felt like I was having a bad day and that I'd wake up tomorrow feeling good again.
And I did. I remembered all the events of yesterday that caused my pain and tears, and I am still okay. I have been productive and even made an event for what would have been his 50th birthday in September. I called it the 50th Better-than-a-Funeral Birthday Party. I planned it so far out so anyone out of state can try to attend. I just don't want the last time we all get together to be his funeral. And of course, it will be at the bowling alley. His home away from home!
There are so many things I'm excited and motivated to get started on. Right now, however, the country is in a rather unique situation with lockdowns and closures due to COVID-19 (coronavirus) and so many are in a panic over that. I was worried it would make me feel worse, but I think I'm good. I've got enough supplies if we go into total lockdown soon, and I have ways to keep in contact with people so we can all stay informed.
If Phil were here during this pandemic, he would be pissed that it got to the point of panic. BUT, he would also look at it this way: He and I would get to spend a lot of time together. My guess is we would dig out some unopened puzzles, watch movies, work on some unfinished projects, maybe have a few paint nights, and just enjoy the time together. Even after all those years, we loved to spend time doing nothing or anything together! There is just nothing in the world better than being married to your best friend.
I've been thinking a lot about that, actually. I miss the companionship. I miss having that person around to just be with, to spend time with. I miss my friend! More than anything, I'd love to have that again. Someone to have deep conversations with, to hang out with. No expectations. Just a friend. I have friends, yes, but that one friend who can just be my person. Anything else would just be a bonus.
When Phil and I met, we started out as friends and it just changed. I don't know how or why, but we just grew to love each other and the rest is history. When we decided to move in together, we agreed that no matter what, we would always be friends first. And that is exactly what we did.
There is so much more life for me yet to live, and I'm ready to live it.