One Month and 3 days, January 9, 2020
Today, I washed dishes. Some of these dishes have been sitting in the sink since I got back from California, so more than a week. And I'm not apologizing for it. In fact, I really wouldn't care if they were still sitting there right now. But I needed to keep busy.
I started back to work with very minimal duties and it will probably remain that way for awhile until I feel like my customer service mindset is up to par. I'm wondering if I'll ever be mentally fit enough again for it. I really don't know, to be honest.
I also spent this week untangling some of the financial aspects of our life together and turning our joint life into my own. This is the first time in my entire life I have lived completely alone, and the truth is, I have no idea how to do it. I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want, but I spend my time wishing he was here with me. I doubt that will change any time soon, but I keep hearing from others in similar situations that it does get better.
The house is bigger than I remember. It is emptier, too. The one thing that is here that wasn't before is a gigantic void that takes over everything, everywhere I go. I think that is a part of the air around me, and something I have to learn to live with rather than try to push away because it is now a part of me. Just as he was a huge part of my life, so is his physical absence.
I still feel his spiritual presence, though, and it feels like I am living in a force field where I cannot break through, but on occasion, he can. I am co
I may not have done much lately, but today, I did the dishes.