There is no more J. I wasn't going to write much about this on my blog, but I have to just a little bit to get to now.
I was living with a person who essentially lied his way into my life. Yes, we had a lot in common, and yes, we did have a lot of fun together, but what I didn't know was the basis for what he told me about his life was a lie. When I learned this, I looked back at the brief relationship and saw that there was a lot of manipulation that I was blind to, and realize that I had absolutely no idea who I was living with. I stopped that immediately and without hesitation.
This is one reason I have stepped back into a state of mind I wanted so much to escape. I had sort of a wake-up call about a week ago when I realized how far down I had gone and knew it was time to get my shit together.
I've been depressed about the situation with my former employer/sister, the lack of another job, forgiving myself for the J situation, and letting myself get back here, where I fought so hard to escape.
I look around and see what needs to be done, and it is an uphill battle that I have to take one step at a time. It is letting go of anger I don't need, stop trying to control things that I have no control of, and forgiving myself for J. It is not giving up on the desire to have love again, although I failed miserably the first time after...
The thought of starting my life over is terrifying. It isn't what you want to do when you are a middle-aged woman, without a clue where to begin. I know what I want - to spend all the time I can with my family and friends while I can, yet somehow, survive on my own.
I've been doing it for more than a year now, but I don't really know how much actual surviving I've done.
I'm going to be okay. I have been through worse, and although it sucks right now, somehow, things always seem to work themselves out. I pray. I meditate. I work hard to find solutions to my problems, and sometimes, I don't get it right.
A lot of times, though, I do.