Day 1: 12/06/2019 - Too Soon...
Almost 21 years. That is how long I had my Phil. He was my soulmate, my lover, my best friend. And now, he is gone.
He died in a car accident at about 10:50 p.m. CST Friday, December 20, and the worst moments of my life came about 45 minutes later when his best friend showed up to tell me the news.
Nothing could have prepared me for it. Nothing.
It was like that scene out of a movie when the devastated wife screams and cries, even falls to her knees, as her heart breaks in the most visible display of emotion no one ever wants to imagine. While it was happening, I thought, "What is going on? Why am I in a scene of a movie?"
We were a matched set, spending our time trying to make each other laugh in some way. We had some serious doozies when it came to arguing because eventually, we forgot what we were fighting about and just went for the jugular every time, trying to see who could be meaner. After a bit of stubbornness and emotional exhaustion, we gave up because we forgot why it started in the first place. But no matter what, we were so in tune with each other. He knew me more than I did, and understood my personality. He never cared that I haven't ever been a girlie girl, and in fact, recently, I realized after all this time when he reminded me that his childhood celebrity crush was Jo from the Facts of Life, that it all made sense. Just last week, I looked at him and said, "THAT'S why you like me." He just looked back at me and said, "You are just now realizing this?!?"
I will miss him forever, love him forever, and be forever grateful for the almost 21 years I had with him and the three children from another mother I can claim as mine because of him. Our 5 children were everything to us, our hearts and souls, and we spent so much time just taking about them, being proud, remembering everything about our time with them. Even if there were gaps in communication, he never for one second had any doubt that they loved him and were just living their lives, going on about their daily routines and that it had nothing to do with not caring.
We were so lucky! Not everyone gets to find their true love in life. I found mine in a random chatroom back when everyone was sure people you met on the internet were going to murder you. But no, the 1,700 miles between us back then was not enough to keep us from falling so deeply in love that we couldn't live apart. Three days was our limit before we started aching to be near the other one.
Despite my young age, I will one day - hopefully many years from now! - be buried right next to him. I made sure his wedding ring was placed back on his finger because he never took it off, not for anything. He would not want to be buried without it.
The space he now takes up in my life is a void.