Two Months...and Counting
I loved being Phil’s wife (most of the time!). I think was pretty good at it. If you ask him, I THINK he would agree. My guess is he would make some little joke about this or that but ultimately, he would agree. I know there were things I could have done better, but I’m sure we can all say that. We had a good thing going.
I’ve reached the two-month mark. I ache for him still, but I don’t cry as much. I miss being held and loved and cuddled. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his texts or calls through the day just to say hi or I love you or, often, our “flirtatious banter.” Hey, you gotta keep those home fires burning!
I still haven’t pushed PLAY on our show. There are two unwatched episodes of The Blacklist, one from the night he died, and one from the week after. We always waited for each other. We started that show from the beginning together, and it was usually our Saturday night date night. I just can’t bring myself to watch them. I’ve started to several times now, but I just couldn’t do it. I’m not sure what’s holding me back. I’ve had offers of people to come watch it with me, but it’s not the same. It was our show. We were invested in it together. I’d need someone who knows the show as well as he did to watch with me so we can have a discussion and prediction session afterwards.
I do think I’m turning some weird corner or getting close to taking that step over that line where time stood still. Part of me holds on to The Before for dear life, but another different and new part of me wants to see what lies ahead in The After. I feel like I would be betraying my life with Phil if I move forward, but I also think if I don’t do it now, I never will, and I do not want to be a grumpy old widow, bitter that I lost my love before I was ready to let him go.
So what do I do? What would he tell me if he could say it right to me so I could hear him clearly? I know he would never want to see me sad forever just because he died. He would know my soul is connected to his in a way that can’t be explained, and whether that happens twice in a lifetime has yet to be seen. He knows I am madly in love with my kids and grandkids, and that my life can be filled with happiness because of them.
But even that has its limits.
Someday, maybe, I’ll be open again...I just miss him. There’s nothing like loving someone to the depths of your soul and knowing they love you back just the same.