One day during the early part of my road trip, I had a moment when I stopped crying and feeling sorry for myself about losing Phil long enough to find an entirely new reason to miss him that I never even considered: the sex.
Maybe I just never stopped to think that it was really that big of a deal in our marriage, but realistically, since meeting face to face for the first time in June 1999, it's just been him and me, if you know what I mean. I know about his last time with someone else, and he knows about mine. We kept no secrets. I know things about Phil's life that no other person will ever know, and those secrets will go with me to my grave.
I was not only one of the lucky ones to have found my soulmate, but I was also lucky to be in a relationship where we were intensely committed to only each other. I know that these days, that is almost unheard of and some people may not even believe me, but it is the truth. Besides, why look elsewhere when there's another person in this world who would do anything for you, and loves you whether it's daylight or dark. And seriously, after more two decades, we definitely knew our way around each other's neighborhoods without getting lost...
It wasn't ever just physical. To be with your soulmate, the one who loves every inch of you, inside and out, the one who knows you better than you know you, who wants more than anything in this world for you to be happy, making love is something otherworldly.
There will never be a replacement for that.
I am young, I know. It goes through my head, because why wouldn't it? I'm human. I had loving, satisfying relationship with a man who is now physically dead, and to ever think that I will never want sex again is just naive.
What will change, though, is that I will never be able to compare anyone to him, in any way. I can't even imagine trying. For now, I'm managing, trying to learn to live without many things I was used to. I had the love of my life.
I just lost him too soon.